Media harlotry & Day One iProduct purchases

I remember the original iPad launch

It was something else: an iconic product – the iPhone – had been infused with a larger screen, more smarts, and priced at a point never heretofore seen.

As someone who had by that date spent about an hour with what was supposed to have been it’s competitor, the late and totally unlamented HP Slate 1, that product was one I wanted so succeed, because I wanted it to show the yobs at HP what true innovation was!

For this launch, the product was ONLY going to be available at the Apple Store*.

As a result, and with the memory of past product launches where Apple ‘managed’ product availability to create an artificial groundswell, the Apple cattle went out in full force to pick up the latest gift from their god, and literally pay tribute, in earthly monies, to him.

It was a momentous event, and all the mainstream media morons played along, flooding the airwaves with ‘live’ video from Apple stores across this great nation. They never failed to regale us with tales of how some peónic staff member of theirs had succeeded in obtaining an iPad after spending untold hours among the great Apple unwashed. These tales were peppered with sighting of some of the lesser celebrities of today, who seeking to make it into the pantheon currently held by those aliens from Cardassia**, were also able to buy one.

Me, I just discounted it.

And then, I saw HIM!

Who?

Steve Wozniak, Apple co-founder***.

Supposedly, he had waited in line to buy an iPad as well.

Are you freakin’ kiddin’ me?

He couldn’t call Jobs up, and have a truckload delivered to his crib?

Other people though, ate it up, and I called it what it was: a masterful PR coup.

The unfortunate outcome of The Woz’s successful PR stunt – and believe me, it was a stunt! – is that lesser folks, including bloggers who should know better, have taken to trying to imitate the stunt.

And they’ve all failed.

Unfortunately the failures have not held these people back. Since that original iPad launch, every wanna-be yum-yum and man+dog have been polluting my Twitter stream with their updates from one launch or another.

Annoying the fu’k out of me in the process!

Friday was the launch of iPad3

And again, there was talk of long lines at Apple stores.

Which was a head-scratcher!

Why?

Because the friggin’ product was simultaneously available at just about every department store in the nation! For goodness sakes, discount and ware house stores had it. Even Kmart! The only places that don’t have it are the dollar stores, because it costs over $1.

Yet, people waited in line to buy it at the Apple Store?

The seeming worst offender was…get this…Wozniak.

Supposedly, he had a minion stand in for him until the factotum was at the top of the line, then the Woz emerged from his trailer or transportation conveyance, changed places with the drudge, and then made a triumphant entry into the store to procure his iPad3. Supposedly.

If so, it sucks.

It reduces the Woz, an icon himself, to the same level as the visionless bloggers who have been trying to imitate him.

Say it ain’t so, Woz!

Dude, you are  an icon!

Start behaving like one!

My rule-of-thumb is this: if <insert Apple product here> is only tangential to your job, don’t bore us with your escapades to Applestore. It is juvenile, not new, and boring.

If you’re an apple fanboi, the same applies to you.

The only people I have no scorn for, and actually celebrate their dedication as they wait in line are the Apple/Mac/iOS professionals I know, such as Jeff Gamet, who writes and podcasts about all things Apple, or Stephen F., whose symposia actually feature iconic and eclectic giveaways. In fact, for all the multi-billion dollar companies around, and the gazillion radio stations in the US, it was Stephen’s expo that actually gave away the first iPad, as far as I know!

As for Jeff G., his tweets, together with those of @cxi, are the freshest, most eclectic on Twitter! Jeff’s Starbucks tweets should be called “The Starbucks Chronicles”.

Their wait in line, I understand.

If you’re not one of them, hold back for a minute, shake yourself, do a 180, and head back home.

This entire thing is tired, and thoroughly played out.

By the way, I have a standing rule at all of my companies: if I see your ass on TV or if you give an interview stating that your ass has been waiting in line for x amount of hours/days for something or anything, it better be that you were waiting in line to vote in democratic elections. That time I would probably pay for, as I already do so for presidential elections.

Other than that, consider yourself sacked.

With immediate effect and automatic alacrity!

*Maybe memory fails me, and I may be thinking of the iPhone launch. Either way, my point(s) stand, and I could give a flying fu’k about making a timing error.

**It is quite galling to see Cardassians think that a mere name change to Kardashians, and some physical cosmetic work would make us forget their atrocities. I am not fooled!

***At the FusionIO party at the 2010 HP Tech Forum in Las Vegas, I won one of the door prizes, an [original] iPad, which was autographed by, and given to me by Steve Wozniak.

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